Return of the Snake
by bhssingergal
Summary: Spoof of the whole chamberbasilisk thing.


A/N---I thought it would be funny to do a spoof of a repeat of the whole chamber incident with the basilisk. I'm weird and proud, it's all meant to be funny so just go with it

The Return of the Snake

Harry was in detention (again) and was packing his bag to leave when he heard a familiar hiss. He turned to Professor McGonagall who apparently hadn't heard it.

"Oh no not again" he moaned.

Professor McGonagall looked at him startled.

"What are you talking about Mr. Potter?"

"I think you better come with me." He replied.

Together they ran down the corridor with Harry following the voice. They had covered two corridors when they found a first year girl petrified by a cabinet.

"Potter stay here while I get Dumbledore."

Harry nodded as Professor McGonagall ran off to get the Headmaster. As he investigated the scene he found spiders crawling up a window ledge nearby and that was when he was certain. The Chamber of Secrets housed a new basilisk (how he didn't know, they're supposed to be rare) and Voldemort had again found a person to act through. (Go figure…can't even do his own dirty work) Harry looked up to see the two Professors coming towards him.

"It's a basilisk again." He told them.

"You're sure?" asked Dumbledore.

When Harry nodded he sighed.

"Minerva take young Miss Harsomes here to the hospital wing and inform her parents."

McGonagall nodded and bustled of with the girl's body floating behind her. Dumbledore then turned to Harry.

"Are you up to doing this again?" he asked

Harry nodded. "I'll need the sword and Fawkes though."

Dumbledore nodded and called Fawkes to him. A minute later the bird came swooping down the corridor with the sword in its claws. It landed on Harry's shoulder and he smiled.

"Want to help me defeat a big ugly snake again Fawkes?"

Harry laughed as the bird trilled a response and flew off to the girls' bathroom. Then he turned to Dumbledore.

"If I'm not back in an hour send back up."

He grinned as Dumbledore smiled, knowing he was kidding.

"See you in a bit Harry. Be safe."

Harry nodded and set off for the opening of the Chamber.

Ten minutes later (having had difficulty finding the right passages) Harry was standing in front of the statue of the old man with Voldemort facing him. They were in the middle of a very interesting conversation.

"Isn't this getting a little old Tom?"

"What?"

"You trying to kill everybody."

"I don't try to kill everybody, just the muggle born scum."

"And anyone else you feel like killing."

"No, I just kill the scummie ones."

"Actually you've killed a bunch of pure bloods."

"No I haven't."

"Yes you have."

"No."

"Yes"

"Who"

"Yes..oh I mean…well lets start with my dad for one."

"Ha just one."

"Oh but I can name more Tom."

"No you cant and don't call me that!"

"I can name more. Cedric Diggory was pureblood and so was Bertha Jorkins. I bet if I sat down and thought I could name a bunch."

"Ok so I kill everybody are you happy now?"

"No actually."

"What more do you want from me!!!" whined Voldemort.

"Well if you kill 'mudblood scummie people' how come you don't kill yourself? You are a muggle born after all."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are, that's why you killed your father and disowned your name."

Voldemort look confused for a minute before stuttering "Well I can't be strong and scary if I kill myself."

Harry grinned. "I didn't know you were strong and scary in the first place."

Voldemort sighed and put his head in his hands. "You know you drive me crazy right?"

Harry thought a minute. "Yea I kinda figured that out."

Voldemort looked up at his smiling face. "I hate you."

"Yea I know. It all has something do with me being stronger than you and you hating it or something like that."

Voldemort plopped down on the stone floor of the chamber and Harry followed. Voldemort looked at him.

"You know you're a pest?"

Harry just nodded. And noticed a weary look creeping into Voldemort's eyes.

"I'm tired of this."

Harry sat back, confused. "Tired of what?"

"Everyone trying to kill me. First Dumbledore and all his little minions. Then you and your little fan club. Now all the people that are supposed to be my minions."

Harry was startled by this last revelation. "You mean your Death Eaters have turned on you."

The man (if you wish to call him that) in front of him nodded pitifully.

"They're all trying to kill me so they can take over."

"You know, if you would have just accepted who you are none of this would have happened in the first place."

"Really?"

"Well yeah. If you would have just been proud of being a wizard and not worrying about the muggle part everything would have been hunky-dory."

"I never thought of it that way." Voldemort looked thoughtful for a minute then he looked up at Harry. "How do you know this?"

"Because like you I was raised as an orphan and my mum was muggle born so I'm technically a muggle born though if I marry a witch my children will be pure. Not that I care either way. You can be muggle born and still be good at magic."

"Really? But then what do you do with your power. I mean, if your all I-love-everyone you don't kill with it."

"Well we live with it, use it to do all this cool stuff that muggel's can't and laugh at them for it."

Voldemort grinned slightly. "That sounds fun."

Harry smiled.

"Why do you kill Tom?

Voldemort thought for a minute. "I don't know. I used to have a reason but I don't remember anymore.

"Have you ever thought about stopping?"

"Well I have wondered what life would be like if I hadn't freaked out on everyone."

Harry thought for a minute. "Well I don't think you'd have all these people after you. Even if you did if you were a good person Dumbledore and I would protect you. You would have real friends too."

"That sounds nice."

"It is."

Voldemort stood again and helped Harry up.

"Harry will you help me quit this and be a 'good guy' as you call it?"

Harry stared at him then stood up and put his hand on his forehead.

"Yea….your definitely delusional."

"No seriously…you were right. This is old. I don't even know why I did the things I did so there's no point and yea……"

"Yea what?"

"I think I just have to have someone tell me what I'm supposed to be like. I know the cynical-crazy-killer dude thing isn't right."

"You just now figured this out?"

"No actually..I've known for a while, that's why I stopped attacking after that Cedric kid was killed."

"You mean all the attacks lately haven't been you?"

"No those were the Death Eaters who are now calling themselves The Elite."

"Ohh. But what about the girl that just got petrified by the basilisk that I know is somewhere around here."

"That was the basilisk himself. He didn't listen to my command to leave her alone."

They both jumped as the basilisk came into the room. Harry took care to avoid making eye contact with the beast.

_You don't have to hide your eyes you know. I don't kill with a gaze._

Harry was startled, both by the snake talking to him and by he eye thing. _What do you mean?_

_I was blinded as a baby, my eyes have been covered my whole life._

_Oh. Are you going to kill us?_

_No. I just came to see who was here. I don't like eating human; you guys are way to fatty for my taste._

_Why did you attack the girl?_

I didn't mean to. The pipe was blocked so I was sneaking down a back hall way to the bathroom with that ghost girl in it.

_You realize you can't sneak right? You are a big snake._

_Yea I know but the girl will be ok. When she wakes up tell her I'm sorry. I really didn't mean any harm._

Harry sat there shocked at all he has learned. The basilisk was friendly, Voldemort was just a confused man, and he's basically having a tea party in the Chamber of Secrets.

"Tom, what do you say to leaving your old life behind and joining the Light to get rid of The Elite?"

"What about him" asked the man, pointing to the basilisk?

"He can live here if he wants, as long as he stays in the chamber."

The basilisk gave his approval and slithered off.

"Tom?"

"Yes Harry?"

"You know that you're in big trouble with the Ministry right?"

"Well duh! I know they wont let me get away with all this. Maybe they wont put me in Azkaban if I help with The Elite. You know they are going to be worse than me because they are going to work as a group."

Harry nodded and the two walked off down the corridor together. Just before they climbed out of the chamber Harry turned to Tom.

"This may be the beginning of the weirdest, most unpredictable friendship."

A/N---Ta DA!!! Hope you enjoyed!! Pretty Please Review!!


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